Spider's Web: A Pig's Tale
Spider's Web: A Pig's Tale is a 2006 animated direct-to-DVD mockbuster written and directed by Micheal Schelp and produced by Spark Plug Entertainment. It is an obvious knockoff of Charlotte's Web. Besides having farm animals and spiders, the movie has instead of people a whole bunch of snakes and aliens that own a motel. The story revolves around the misadventures of Walt, a pampered piglet who can't help but lie to get himself out of any situation he's in, much to his friend, Tiffany The Spider's dismay. One day, a snake by the name of Norman Ja Rahr comes to the barn, claiming he has big plans for Walt. But is he truly what he seems — oh fuck it, he's obviously the villain, you know it and I know it. If you want to see this pig sty of a mess of a piece of shit movie without paying any money for it just go here: The Worst Movies Ever - Spider's Web: A Pig's Tale (Part 1/5). Watch only with extreme caution, if you dare dare. Plot One morning at a barnyard, Walter Pembroke III, a pampered piglet, wakes up and goes to the trough to say his blessings with the Barnyard Social Registry, a group of high-class farm animals. It's here we are introduced to many of the "charming" characters that plague this black hole of direness, such as Walt's best friend Tiffany, a spider who can't decide to be Jamaican or Scottish, Crystal, Tiffany's "sassy black sidekick who is TOTALLY not extremely offensive and racist", two duck-chicken abominations, Gilbert, a wasp who thinks he's a bee...no seriously, that's all there is to his character, and two horses who hold a strange grudge towards spiders. After some pointless filler, a pie goes missing and Walt's mother, Esther, suspects him of eating it. Walt then lies that the pie was destroyed by aliens, but Esther asks Walt how he knew the pie's flavor. Tiffany says that the pie was eaten by Walt. However, the other animals do not believe her, and a long and tedious conversation ensues. Walt is pissed that Tiffany ratted him out, and we soon find out that the two have known each other since Walt was a baby. After that waste of time, a snake with a cellphone who goes by the name of Noiman Ja Rahr (yes, really) pops out of nowhere. Noiman tells Walt to keep telling obvious lies. After Tiffany tries (and fails) to convince Walt to tell Esther that he ate the pie, Walt accidentally knocks over Esther's favorite pot. Walt again lies, telling that a ghost came and broke the pot. Tiffany says that Walt broke the pot. Another long and tedious conversation ensues, and one of the horses claims that Esther's pot was destroyed by a farting cow. (alright, which scriptwriter let their 5 year old take over?) After that, Esther tells Walt that she needs to check his homework (which makes no since whatsoever, considering he has no hands and well, the fact that HE'S A PIG ON A GODDAMN FARM), when it is clear that he did not even do it. Walt lies once more, saying that the homework came to life and ate the dog. Thankfully, we are not treated to another drawn out bullshit conversation. Esther tells Walt that she worries about his future. Noiman tells Walt of a place called Viperwood, where he tells Walt that he could be a star. Walt decides to go, and Tiffany, Crystal, and Gilbert decide to tag along. While driving to Viperwood, the group decide to stop for the night and stay at a motel. However, they notice an alien/slug thing who cares honestly trying to get her granddaughter, Lucy, off of a roof. After some repetitive dialogue, Tiffany scares Lucy off the roof and she somehow lives. The alien/slug thing thanks the group for helping and lets them stay in her room for the night. The alien/slug thing warns the gang not to turn on the TV (which has eyes for some reason). However, Noiman turns it on anyways, and we are treated to some weird game show where you get spanked by a living flyswatter if you get the wrong answer. The TV then comes to life and starts destroying the place, and our "heroes" GTFO, living the two alien-slug things to die in the chaos. The group then steals fuel from a gas station, and they are then chased by...giant grey cockroaches on bikes with rocket launchers. (what is this, Earthworm Jim? Wait, scratch that, Earthworm Jim is ACTUALLY GOOD.) Anyways, the gang manages to escape, and they finally arrive in Viperwood the next morning. We are then introduced to Venom, Noiman's partner, who literally just pops out of nowhere. They arrive at a Broadway theater, where Walt tries to hold his breath in a fishbowl while singing. He fails. They then arrive at the game show from earlier, where Walt must answer what is the color of an octopus. Tiffany tells him to tell the truth that he doesn't know, while Noiman tells him to make something up. Walt gives in and says that he doesn't know, and gets spanked by the flyswatter, which then kills the host of the game show. (Jesus, this movie is dark). While riding along, tensions begin to run high between Walt and Tiffany, and Tiffany considers leaving. But honestly, does anyone even give a crap about these guys at this point? Noiman suddenly gets a phone call, and tells Walt that he is going to be a movie star, but not after he accidentally runs over a pedestrian. While auditioning for the film, Walt, being a complete dunce, fails to notice a TNT box on the director's head, and gets blown up. Walt (unfortunately) survives, but he still ends up in the hospital nonetheless. With all of the possible opportunities down the drain, Noiman decides that Walt has outlived his usefulness and tricks him into thinking that he is going to be a rapper, while he is actually being taken to the slaughterhouse. Just as it seems that Walt will be turned into sausages, Tiffany, Crystal, and Gilbert arrive just in time to "save" the day. Gilbert stings Noiman, and finds out that he really is a wasp after all. Tiffany tells Walt that unless you are 100% sure you won't get caught, and you have a really good memory, then you should never lie. Walt, Crystal, and Gilbert return to the barnyard, but Tiffany stays behind to be the host of the game show. Venom, Noiman's partner from earlier, is a contestant on the show. Tiffany asks Venom what two triangles make, and Venom says that they make a circle. Tiffany says that Venom is "trippin' and lying", and Venom gets spanked by the flyswatter. Tiffany then says that when you place two triangles together, you get a diamond. The film then ends with Walt saying that he likes the show much more now that Tiffany is hosting, and Esther says that's something she believes, and we're left wondering how shit like this passes off as entertainment. Characters * Walter Pembroke III aka Walt the Pig — the main protagonist. An annoying, retarded, untalented, pampered, spoiled, and stupid little piglet who eats his mom's pie and says that aliens did it, then he breaks her favorite pot and says that a ghost did it, then he says that he did his homework but it ate the dog when he really didn't even do it. Then a snake called Noiman Ja Rahr comes along and tries to take Walt to Viperwood and make him a star when Ja Rahr really just wants bacon. In Viperwood, Walt experiences many new things about life, such as butt-hurt and getting blown up. Ja Rahr's plan backfires, however, when two spiders and a wasp (who wishes he was a bee) arrive and save Walt from the slaughter house. Walt is not only extremely stupid, but also incredibly gullible and naive. Seriously, pigs are supposed to have natural instincts and be afraid of snakes, but Walt has NO CLUE. Walt might also be autistic in addition to being retarded. * Tiffany the spider — the titular spider who saves Walt the pig from being slaughtered and the deuteragonist. She is one of only two smart characters (the other is the snake). She speaks in a stereotypical Jamaican accent (this movie is FULL of stereotypes). Since Walt is an obvious rip-off of Wilbur from Charlotte's Web, Tiffany is the rip-off of Charlotte. * Noiman Ja Rahr — the main antagonist. The snake who tells Walt to go to Viperwood and be a star when he is really just wants bacon. He is the only other smart character. He is also the only good character, because he's trying to eat Walt and end all of the suffering he caused the viewers. * Esther — Walt's mom. She is so unlucky to have such a moron of a son that you just feel sorry for her. * Gilbert — the wasp who wishes he was a bee. However, he meets a hedonist named Andre who tells him that he really is a bee. He doesn't believe it, however, until after he stings Ja Rahr to save Walt's butt. * Crystal — another spider who hangs out with Tiffany. * Penny — a chicken. When Walt says that his homework ate the dog she starts crying saying that her cousin Henry was an excellent student but then one day he disappeared. Then when Tiffany says the farmer ate him and that that is why all her relatives go missing on Sundays she just wails louder. She and Walt should have just been eaten by the snake already. * Mr. Wigglesworth — a horse who speaks with a British accent and makes racist remarks about spiders. Isn't that nice? * Venom — another snake and Ja Rahr's supposed love interest. Speaks like a valley girl (like I said, this movie is FULL of stereotypes). Locations The first 15 minutes of the movie and the very last 3 take place at the barnyard in which Walt lives, but most of the movie takes place in a place called Viperwood, which is a pun off of Hollywood because a viper is a type of snake. Reception Spider's Web: A Pig's Tale has been universally panned by movie goers everywhere for its hideous and cheap CGI (seriously, this makes Foodfight! look like freaking Pixar!), ripping off a much more successful story, having horrible voice acting as well as annoying, stupid, and downright unlikable characters, unoriginal plot (it's your typical fish out of water story with a half baked message about telling the truth thrown in...really, THAT'S IT), hideous musical score, and its confused moral. (So you're telling kids not to lie, and yet you're telling them that you can get away with lying if you come up with a believable excuse and make sure no one is suspicious? WHAT??) Many people also have pointed out that the horses have no manes or tails and that the chickens have no feathers. IMDb rated the film a 1.2/10 while at Rotten Tomatoes only 13% of audience members liked it, with an average rating of 1.1/5 (2.2/10). In addition to being criticized for ripping off Charlotte's Web, Spider's Web: A Pig's Tale was also panned for ripping off Gordy and Babe, two other, superior kids' movies about talking pigs. External links * IMDb page * Rotten Tomatoes page Category:Spark Plug Entertainment Category:Films